Because my life isn't busy enough already, I wrote in to MILK, asking for more volunteering opportunities. I don't know where this sudden urge to do charity work is coming from.

Actually  I do, but its a selfish reason, ultimately expected to make me a more complete person. Something about losing yourself in others. I'd like to lose my self in Megan Fox please.

I hope it turns out blogworthy. The itch to blog about work is coming back.

Short answer: I believe in God, not religion.

Which sounds rather odd coming from a self-declared christian. So sue me. I'm a bad christian. See? I even spell christian with a small "c"!

I'll burn in Hell! Just like the rest of you non-believers!!!

Sigh. Fact: I can't see myself believing the way some good christians believe. I can't, and won't. I don't know how the good christians do it. Maybe its years of brainwashing from other good christians. Maybe they do it to fit in. I don't know, and i don't care. All I know is that it ain't for me.

I do care about religion, and I do worry that christianity is increasingly resembling the religions Jesus protested against. But really, its not one of those things I lose sleep over. At least not now.

I'm past the whole righteous indignation phase and now I'm just looking for someplace where I can be the kind of christian that I am. The bad kind. Heh.

So much has happened since I last blogged here.

I've been telling myself not to throw any more words down onto a blog, seeing as how the only people who read it are spam bots and stalkers. But the siren call of a public presence is too strong to reisst.

That, and there's a lot of shit in my head I feel I need to clear.

Since the now defunct nicktay.com, much has happened. First of all, I have a new job, as an asst. editor/content something at a financial company in Singapore. The hours are long, but the work is fulfilling and the people are great.

I have a new cell group with a new church. It's Leonard's cell and the people there are equally great. Some are also in the same industry, which is an added plus. They're also a lot more open minded. At least none of them have jumped on me yet. On the other hand, I haven't thrown any grenades at them yet.

Why do I have a new cell group?

Because I broke up with the love of my life.

Yeah.

It stings a little. I know.

Hmm.

This is harder than I imagined.

Even after two months or so.

(Okay dude, push ahead. You've been through this and out the other end. Keep moving.)

Okay. Deep breath. Breathe in, hold it, and release.

Right, let's get on with this. My story goes that as I was under some stress at work, there was also the pressure of getting engaged and to be entirely honest, I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to go through with it. I know she could have been the one, but I wasn't sure it had to be right now.

And I guess that was doom on me.

So one night, I go over to her parents house, in front of her parents, and tell them, I'm not ready. (Breathe in, hold it, release) The Dad goes silent. The Mom talks in a calm controlled manner. I've seen gravestones with more cheerful expressions carved on their faces. And I don't remember much of what was said. The only thing I can remember clearly was the ultimatum given:

The Mom: "Either you sort it out, or please spare my daughter any further pain." ( Or something to that effect)

(Breathe in, hold it, release.)

Then the ex-gf asks them to leave us alone, and she starts talking about us, and how she didn't expect this coming (neither did I sweetheart...the ultimatum I mean) and that she thought we were going to go the distance (so did I honey) and that we'd live happily ever after. Unfortunately this fairytale just had its wings clipped.

And then I missed the part where she said, I'll give you the time you need.

Boy did I miss that.

My only defence was that my brain was short-circuited by the ultimatum and I was imcapable of any rational thought. Add that to the pressure of the past few weeks (work, relationship and general unhappiness) and I had a recipie for making al the wrong decisions at the worst possible times.

Which I did. Because I wanted to "spare my daughter any further pain."

And I am now the official asshole for just about everything thats wrong with the male half of the human race. At least to Mel. Her friends hate me, her parents hate me. Let them. Every story needs a villian.

Who am I to deny them the pleasure of having someone to direct their anger at?

I don't like it, of course, but frankly it's not withitn my power to control how people think.

Okay. enough for now. More later.